In the midst of illumination

Fly alone
To a place where you can be a hero
It's a place far away you must leave
You cannot stay, spread your wings and
Fly away from home

-- Legacy of hate part II, de Celesty

Weakness, all around, consuming more and more, leaving just a carcass of silent depravity that lays still as if untouched, but, deep down, a blizzard of nothingness. It’s not hate, just a fully negative feeling directed towards that which causes pain, not physical but mental (the worst there is). Change, things that need it, things that can’t possibly live anymore unless they undergo it; and regret, piercing regret. Something’s not right, something needs to be done or said, because the last piece in this puzzle is not actually missing, it’s there, before everyone, but it just doesn’t want to fit.

There was a point, an idea so miserably engraved that it was never to be forgotten, and yet we weren’t able to remember it. But now we can. Now I see it, and at the same time i see terror and shadows, two things left behind for good, two things that might have to return in order to go back to happiness, or as close as possible. Is it possible? Yes! Of course it is! And no one can say differently, no one can make me trip nor push me down; no one! I may have to follow rules, but just as long as I can make my own. Then I’ll be sort of free, and things will change for good.

People don’t understand, and I can cope with that, I can take it and not complain. But to judge me, to judge my beliefs and to judge what I strife for, that’s not an option, at least not one that will be forgiven that easily. We seek balance, and we’ll find it one way or the other, with help or without it; it doesn’t matter as long as my path is set and my goals completed. And maybe the direst of revelations is that the one person I thought I could trust not to tell my secrets, my dark, most terrifying secrets, is the one person who is out there spreading them to the people I dislike the most. What to think? Who to trust? Where to go?

The end is not nearly here. Almost four more years and then it’ll be over for good. Life is good, so good I need to live it my own way. Four years and I’ll get my new fresh start… again.